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  • So here's the first draft for the final episode of the first series, Purge Environs! Hope you like it! Obviously it's still a work in progress, but I'm hoping, once it's finished, to make a few changes to it as soon as the other episodes are done. I've also made a few additional edits to your scripts in order to give a bit of a build-up to the revelation, hope you don't mind. XD this is so rough I've stuck placeholders in for most of it!

    Purge Environs – Starbuggers Episode 8

    Pre-titles scene

    Maloney, Cywren, Juliet and Rimmer are seen running towards the shuttle.

    Maloney: In in in, everybody in!

    They take off hurriedly as Maloney hits the radio.

    Shuttle to Who’s Your Mama, shuttle to Who’s Your Mama, this is Captain Maloney calling. Please come in!!

    Static. Maloney tries again.

    Maloney: This is Captain Maloney of the USS Who’s Your Mama calling Starbug, is there anybody out there?

    After a few moments of silence, the radio fizzes on and Mari’s voice is heard.

    Mari: It’s me you idiot, why do you always have to introduce yourself in full?

    Maloney: Look never mind that, we need a pickup and we need to like, get out of here pronto.

    Mari: You would not believe the day I’ve had today, there’s just been nothing but Zombies and a-


    Mari: …Oh. I see. We’ll pick you right up.

    Cywren: There’s a Rebel base not too far away from here, I can give you the location. Bear 23.18 by 25.25, I’ll give you the rest when we get back. They should have enough of a force to repel the Imperial fleet… I hope.

    Picard: Done and done. Now hustle your bustle people, if the Empire has discovered our position we need to move quickly.

    Maloney: Roger.

    Mari: Call you when you get back.

    The comms click off.

    Maloney: Are you sure that it’s such a good idea to go to your Rebel base?

    Cywren: It’s not ideal but it’s the closest place we can get to before they arrive. Have you got a better suggestion?

    Maloney: Hope they fly in single file and blast ‘em with the ship’s massively overpowered weapon?

    Cywren: Yeah, I thought not.

    Juliet: Leave him alone, he’s just trying to help.

    Rimmer: I feel like we’ve forgot something…

    Maloney: We haven’t got time to go back, let’s just get to the ship and get off to Cywren’s mystical base.

    Scene 1

    Maloney: Captain's Log, Supplementary. Despite our best efforts to disable the signal, the Empire has discovered our position.

    Picard: You weren't hitting it hard enough!

    Maloney: As we speak their forces are advancing on our position, closing in on us. We can either run away and hide in the corner and possibly cry a bit, or we can stay and fight.

    Picard: We've already exhausted the former option.

    Maloney: Look, do you mind? I'm trying to do my log entry here. Some privacy please?

    Picard: Fine, I’ll go… boldly.

    Maloney: And another thing, stop referencing your old TV series with quotes.

    Picard: I will make that so.

    Maloney: Stop!

    Picard chuckles and leaves.

    Maloney: Hmm, where was I… Oh yeah, we’re all gonna die. Cywren has directed us to a rebel base a few lightyears away, they’re completely unaware the Empire is coming to kick their asses and they have minimal defense capabilities. We’re going down there to meet with the leaders and plan a counter-strike operation. I have to say, I’m concerned. Well, I say concerned. More just, ah… in a state of morbid conviction that the plan will fail spectacularly and end with us all either captured or killed. In any case, here they come. No turning back now. Now, I’m gonna stop hiding in this closet for a few minutes and help plan out our strategy.

    Maloney half-opens the door, then closes it again.

    Maloney: You know what, I’m just gonna stay in here.

    Mari opens the door.

    Mari: Why Captain, you never told me you were in the closet.

    Maloney: Very funny. If you must know, I was recording my log entry in a nice, private space when Picard interrupted me.

    Mari: Right, whatever you say.

    Maloney: *sigh* Never mind. Just where can I find Cywren, is all.

    Mari: Cywren’s over with Picard and Juliet at the other end of the flight deck. You can probably catch them if you catch a lift with my Enforcer.

    Maloney: Eurgh, I hate Enforcers. They have all the looks, the speed and the maneuverability of a cow on macaroni.

    Mari: Hey, when you have another way of getting around here, you go take that. It’s the Enforcer or walking.

    Maloney: Can I drive?

    Mari: In your wildest dreams.

    Maloney: Caaaaaan I sit in the driver’s seat?

    Mari: No.

    Maloney: Can IIIIIIIII…

    Mari: Do you want a lift or not?

    Maloney: Yes.

    Mari: Get in the passenger seat. And don’t stick pencils in the dash, I have to send this back when this is all over.

    Maloney and Mari hop in the enforcer and drive across the massive hangar, past row upon row of X-Wings, Y-Wings and other various Star Wars ships. A very familiar large grey one stands quite prominently in the background. It is quite obviously the Falcon.

    Maloney: They’ve redecorated, haven’t they? I don’t like it. Hey, is that Biggs? It is Biggs! Hey Biggs! Did you see that? That was Biggs!

    Mari: Was it now? I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots.

    Maloney: Oh wow, they’ve got a lot of people here! This is so awesome!

    Mari: Yeah… Great.

    Maloney: What’s getting you down?

    Mari: You’ll see.

    The car stops off at an ammunition depot. An instructor is explaining how to use an AR2 to a small group of people, Rimmer is among them.

    Maloney: So where are they then?

    Mari: Right over there, they’re just about to meet up with the commanders.

    Maloney: Let’s go say hello.

    Mari: You mind if I stay here?

    Maloney: Yes, you’re much better at wording things than I am. Come on, and that’s an order.

    Mari: Ah-ah-ah. No Starfleet, remember?

    Maloney: Hmm… I’ll hide your stash.

    Mari: Ha, you’re bluffing. You don’t know about my stash.

    Maloney: Supposing I do. Supposing I could take it and hide it and you’d never find it. Can you really afford to take that risk? I bet Admiral Baxter would be very interested in finding out about the time you spelled “effective” with only one f.

    MarI: Ooh, you monster!

    Maloney: Who needs court-martialing when you’ve got good old-fashioned blackmail. Heh heh heh.

    Mari and Maloney walk over to the group.

    Juliet: Hey look, it’s the Captain!

    Picard: Ah, you’ve arrived Captains. Good. We were just about to start without you. General, these are Captains Maloney and Tann, formerly of the USS Who’s Your Mama and Voyager respectively.

    Dodonna: Which one’s which?

    Mari: I’m Captain Mari Tann, sir. My… colleague over there is Captain Maloney.

    Dodonna: Enchanted, my dear. And what’s your first name, good sir?

    Maloney: Oh, everybody just calls me Captain.

    Dodonna: So like John or Jack or-

    Maloney: Just Captain.

    Picard: *whispers* I think it’s John. *out loud* And this here is Juliet, she was one of the prisoners on the Dalek homeworld of Skaro before she escaped with us. She’s quite the fighter, she was accidentally given the abilities of a shape-shifting mutant during a lab accident.

    Dodonna: My goodness, what’s that like?

    Juliet: It has its perks. Mostly it’s a bit of a pain.

    Dodonna: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.

    Juliet: I’m used to it.

    Picard: And last, but by no means least, the most esteemed member of our humble crew, Miss Cywren Caster, alias Ghost Babel.

    Maloney & Mari: WHAT!?

    Dodonna: So you’re Ghost Babel?

    Maloney: Did you know about this?

    Cywren: That’s me. Cywren Caster at your service.

    Mari: First I’ve heard of it.

    Dodonna: It’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person, I’ve so looked forward to this day.

    Cody: Wait, you’re telling me this is Ghost Babel? You’re Ghost Babel?

    Cywren: Yes, I think we’ve established that I’m Ghost Babel.

    Cody: Huh. You’re, ah… not what I was expecting.

    Cywren: How do you mean?

    Cody: You’re taller than I imagined.

    Cywren: Original.

    Juliet: What are they talking about?

    Maloney: Heck if I know. Apparently Cy here has a double life we don’t know about. Care to explain?

    Cywren: Yeah, later.

    Cody: So, you’re… a girl?

    Cywren: Your powers of observation do you credit, Mister Cody.

    Cody: Sorry, it’s quite a surprise.

    Maloney: It’s a surprise that Cywren Caster is in fact female?

    Cody: Everyone’s heard of Ghost Babel, he- she, is this figure of almost mythic proportions.

    Cywren: Oh god, don’t start.

    Dodonna: Ghost Babel was the one who organized the allegiance between Starfleet and the Alliance. She acted as tactical for nearly 20 campaigns, 12 of which she fought in herself.

    Cywren: Aaaand he’s starting.

    Dodonna: She’s been responsible for more damage to the Empire in the last six months than the Rebellion ever managed in three decades.

    Mari: Wait, go back one sec. She fought in 12 campaigns and nobody noticed she was a woman?

    Cywren: I kept a pretty low profile, I’ve been trying to avoid being noticed.

    Maloney: By who, the Empire?

    Picard: General, I think these four have a lot to talk about, we should excuse them.

    Dodonna: Of course, of course.

    Picard and Dodonna exit.

    Mari: But 12 campaigns? Surely they must’ve noticed you?

    Maloney: It’s not that uncommon, how long did it take them to figure out Samus was a girl?

    Mari: Yeah, but Samus had a massive power suit thing, didn’t she?

    Maloney: Yeah, true. You don’t have a power suit thing, do ya Cy?

    Cywren: Who, me? Noooooooooo.

    Mari: You know, this explains the statue.

    Cywren: Please don’t even go there.

    Maloney: What statue?

    Cywren: It’s nothing.

    Mari: They’ve done a massive flipping effigy of her down in reception.

    Cywren: It’s really embarrassing, I can’t get them to get rid of it.

    Maloney & Juliet: Wow.

    Mari: You wanna see?

    Cywren: No, don’t show them! Please!

    Mari: Okay, okay. Don’t lose your rag. You weren’t so fussed back on Skaro…

    Cywren: Come again?

    Mari: You remember, the mission on Skaro to rescue Starbug? That was why we came to pick you up in the first place? You put out an ad?

    Cywren: I don’t know what you’re talking about, I was on Station 897 for months before you came.

    Maloney: What do you mean, you’d been there for months? I met you on Persephone not- actually, how long has it been? Can’t be more than a few weeks, can it? Just before we came to pick you up, that Skaro mission. You hired my crew to rescue Starbug from the Daleks?

    Cywren: I was never on Persephone, I don’t know why you think I was.

    Maloney: Because you were, I talked to you! I kept annoying you by reintroducing myself repeatedly.

    Cywren: Yeah, that sounds a lot like you.

    Maloney: You were there, I remember you.

    Cywren: It can’t have been me, I was here the entire time.

    Maloney: And you were blonde.

    Cywren: I was what?

    Maloney: Blonde. Like, actual blonde hair.

    Cywren: I was blonde?

    Maloney: Very blonde.

    Cywren: Me?

    Maloney: You were blonder than Debbie Harry.

    Cywren: Okay, you’re delusional.

    Maloney: Who’s the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows?

    Cywren: It’s still you, because I’ve never been blonde in my life.

    Maloney: Uh-huh. Well, you guys probably have lots to get on with, so we’ll just leave you to it, as it happens we’ve got some quite important stuff to catch up on right now, isn’t that right girls?

    Mari: Uh, yeah.

    Juliet: Definitely.

    Cywren: I guess you’re right, there’s still some things me and Picard have to finish up on. I’ll catch you three later?

    Mari: Sure, we’ll talk then.

    Cywren: Okay, in a bit then!

    Cywren leaves.

    Maloney: 6 months. That’s not long before…

    Mari: That’s right.

    Juliet: Wait, the ship I was on launched 6 months ago!

    Mari: The plot thickens.

    Maloney: Like Rimmer’s gazpacho soup.

    Juliet: That was one heck of a random metaphor.

    Mari: That’s one of the very few things he excels at.

    Maloney: What does it mean? Has Cywren been leading us on all this time? What’s she doing, and why? What’s the end to all this?

    Mari: What about Picard? He seems to know something.

    Juliet: You’re right, he already knew about her alias! There’s no doubt he’s involved somehow.

    Maloney: Yeah, but he’s an Admiral. There’s no way he’d answer questions from us.

    Juliet: What about me? I could fool him into telling me everything.

    Mari: No, we couldn’t do that. I mean, they wouldn’t do anything that wasn’t in our best interests, right? They’re on our side.

    Maloney: Mari, he was willing to blow you up to take Voyager. And we just found out we know literally nothing about Cywren. We’re not just in the dark here, we’re in perfect dark.

    Mari: But it’s Jean-Luc Picard! I can’t go behind his back, he’s like the father I never had!

    Maloney: Wait a minute, I met your father. You guys got on fine.

    Mari: Well he was like the father I would’ve had if I hadn’t had a father!

    Maloney: Hero worship. She’s had a thing for Picard ever since she was ten. You can imagine her reaction when she learnt he chose to mentor her.

    Mari: Best day of my life. I still have the photo of my reaction.

    Maloney: I’ll bet. It’s probably sat between your collection of receipts and your model of the Enterprise.

    Mari: Is not. I don’t even have a-

    Maloney: Yeah you do.

    Mari: Do not!

    Juliet: Hey, hey! You two. Focus. Okay, here’s a plan: I’ll go find out what Picard knows- in a way that Mari won’t object with. You two need to stay here and help prepare for the attack. I’ll join up with you in around twenty minutes.

    Maloney: Sounds like a plan.

    Mari: Ugh, okay I guess.

    Juliet: Okay, catch you later!

    Juliet goes after Picard.

    Mari: I should go.

    Maloney: Yeah, me too. We both have a lot of work to do.

    Mari: Yeah. Oh, I almost forgot.

    Maloney: What is it?

    Mari: Package just arrived.

    Maloney: A package?

    Mari: Yeah, it’s from Snake.

    Maloney: Snake! Good to hear from him, how is he do you know?

    Mari: Dunno, he just signed it and that’s it.

    Maloney: What is it?

    Mari: Oh, you’re gonna like this.

    Maloney: What?

    Mari: You are really gonna love this.

    Maloney: What is it?

    Mari: It’s a whole bunch of Lyran Alliance Power-Loaded BattleMech BMVs.

    Maloney: Whoa, now there’s some Solid Metal Gear.

    Mari: No kidding.

    [Picard/Juliet Scene, some Empire scenes, space battle etc.]

    Solo: And then he realized- Duh-duh-duuuuuhhhhhh! …She was his sister!

    Everybody laughs

    Luke: It’s still not funny.

    [More Star Wars Characters scenes]

    Picard: I just wanna tell you both, good luck, we’re all counting on you.

    [more stuff, "It's a trap!"]

    Mystery man: Hello. My name is Travis Montana. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

    Casey: CYWREN!

    Casey jumps in front of Cywren and “takes the bullet”.

    Maloney: What the heck just happened? Where’d that guy come from?

    Mari: Never mind where he came from, where did he go?

    Juliet: No, I think where he came from was more important.

    Maloney: Who was that guy?

    Rimmer: Cotton Eye Joe.

    Maloney: Have you been doing Macaroni?

    Cywren: Is anyone worried about the fact that Casey’s just been shot?

    Maloney: Not really, no.

    Cywren: He just saved my life! That bullet was meant for me!

    Maloney: You sure? I thought it was for me.

    Cywren: Was the guy aiming the gun at you?

    Maloney: No, but that doesn’t mean a thing.

    [The Casey Scene, Super Star Destroyer explodes]

    Dent: You mean, besides the years of stupidity I’ve had to put up with because of you people? You blew up a system full of people for like no reason!

    Kylo: You’re just jealous because I’ve got better hair than you. I mean, Conan O’Brian called, he wants his hair back.

    Dent: Oh that is it. I was gonna take it easy on you, but that cuts it.

    Palpatine: Can you guys keep it down? I don’t want to miss the other fight!

    Future Cywren: VADER!

    Vader: Finally, someone remembers the name. And I see you have a new… mech-suit thing. That won’t help you here.

    Future Cywren: Oh, you don’t even know the half of it.

    Cywren: Not if I have anything to say about it!

    Vader: Wait, what?

    Future Cywren: What!? How?

    Maloney: You really think I wouldn’t know how to track down myself? Now, would you mind explaining to me exactly what’s going on?

    Future Cywren: Stay out of this Cywren, this has nothing to do with you!

    Vader: Wait, there’s two of you?

    Future Cywren: Well done Sherlock.

    Vader: Hey, there’s no call for that!

    Sidious: What’s going on?

    Vader: There’s two of her!

    Sidious: What do you mean there’s two of her?

    Vader: I mean, there’s two of her!

    Mari: Anything going on over there? We’ve almost got-

    Future Cywren: Oh boy, this is about to get crowded.

    Cywren: Never thought I’d end up arguing with myself.

    Maloney: Hey, I want in on that Pizza.

    Vader: Oh great, as if this wasn’t confusing enough!

    Maloney: Are you the Pizza man?

    Mari: I’m not the Pizza man!

    Sidious: He wasn’t talking to you!

    Maloney: Hey, don’t speak to her like that!

    Vader: Oh shut up!

    Maloney: You shut up!

    Picard: Hey guys, you’ll never guess what we’re in!

    Sidious: Wow, I didn’t even know this thing could get four way. You have a really nice voice, by the way.

    Picard: Why thank you.

    Mari: What is it?

    Picard: Team Deathmatch.

    Sidious: Team Deathmatch?

    Maloney: Team Deathmatch?

    Mari: Team Deathmatch?

    Vader: Team Deathmatch?

    Juliet: Team Deathmatch?

    Kylo Ren: Team Deathmatch?

    Cywren: Team Deathmatch?

    Future Cywren: Team Deathmatch?

    Rimmer: Team Deathmatch?

    Casey: Team Deathmatch?

    Picard: Team Deathmatch.

    Maloney: Team Deathmatch!

    Vader: Team Deathmatch:

    Juliet: Team Deathmatch!

    Rimmer: Team Deathmatch!

    Mari: Team Deathmatch!

    Kylo: Team Deathmatch!

    Maloney: Team-

    Sidious: OH MY GOD STOP IT!

    Maloney: Waaaaahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    Sidious: No, don’t- Agh, alright, you can do it one more time, alright? Just one more.

    Maloney: One more?

    Sidious: Yeah, just get it out of your system.

    After a moment, Maloney stops looking upset and looks up intently as dramatic music plays.

    Sidious: Oh, really!?

    The music continues for about 40 seconds.

    Sidous: You’re really doing this, aren’t yo-


    Vader: Can someone please explain to me what’s going on?

    Maloney: Okay, I think I have this all figured out now, it all makes sense to me. I’ve been so slow but I got there in the end. The Cywren that hired us to steal Starbug from the Daleks job is not the same Cywren we picked up on Space Station 987-whatever it was. Think about it for a moment, she knew who we were and why we were there but when I asked her about the mission, she didn’t know what I was talking about! And she was blonde! Why was she blonde? That’s because this was a Cywren from the double double future, something happens in the future, something bad enough that she had to come back and try again. Why the change of hair colour, I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s relevant somehow.

    Future Cywren: Maybe the whole Gingerian thing?

    Cywren: What?

    Maloney: Oh yeah, in the future Gingers are considered an alien species and exiled from Earth.

    Cywren: Wait, what?

    Luke: Okay, that is really offensive. My wife’s ginger, for crying out loud!

    Rimmer: You’re not married to Cywren, are you?

    Luke: What?

    Cywren: Noooooooo.

    Rimmer: Shame, you two would make a great couple…

    Mari: Rimmer? Stop talking and that’s an order.

    Rimmer: Yes sir ma’am.

    Future Cywren: Yeah, the system is stupid. Just roll with it for now.

    Maloney: See, what our Cywren was doing was nothing to do with that, because she didn’t know at that time what was going to happen. Everything she was doing was completely unrelated, she was only interested in aiding the rebels. Which brings me onto the second point: the Empire. There’s a massive three-way divide between you guys, mainly because of the opposition between emotionally immature Kylo, grumpy old man the Emperor, depressed Vader, etc. Then you got all that stuff with Thrawn and Spencer and the really scary dude.

    Juliet: What does that have to do with us?

    Maloney: Nothing, I was just pointing out that they were really badly organized. So basically we’re a surprisingly well-organized group of ragtag rebels outwitting a surprisingly disorganized Empire. Long story short, we are all stuck… In a giant… Team Deathmatch.

    There is a moment of silence. Kylo peppers two rebels with lasers.

    Kylo: Eh, those guys had it coming.


    Sir, there’s a whole group of ships coming – and they’re Federation!

    A fleet of Federation Starships warp in, headed by the USS Enterprise.

    Kirk (comms): This is Captain James T Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Not to brag, but you are severely outmatched and outgunned. If you’re smart, and you sure as hell don’t look it, you’ll drop you weapons, stop your attack on Starfleet Personnel operating on a Starfleet-protected planetoid, and go home. I’ll give you a minute to think about that.

    [More stuff, exposition, Starbug gets stolen, the end]

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  • Hey, I've had this idea for a while now of a mockumentary about Starbuggers featuring the cast in-character discussing the making of the pilot and the other characters. Maybe have some "behind the scenes" footage of setting up for the shooting. And cutaways of interviews! How does that sound to you?

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  • Could I have some help with this? I think the prologue should start with Mari receiving news that Brady is dead, and then go to Juliet after that. Also, do you think it would be a good idea to have this story told from different perspectives, like Picard and Maloney simultaneously telling their own side of the tale? Could be great for comic effect, havi one person blow something out of proportion and then the other person very bluntly deflating that? They'd have to be telling it separately so the stories don't run over each other, and I figure at the end of the episode you have Picard just sat in the room alone recounting the story to himself! XD

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